Punishing Female Fashion

I’m not sure if I’m the only one, but I think women’s fashion is at times just plain stupid, as well as seriously punishing for the wearer.

Some examples of female fashion that I think are awful and/or painful are as follows:

 

Bodysuits

 

 

Why did someone think these would be a good idea?  Bodysuits were in fashion when I was a teenager, and I was recently mortified to discover that they are now out in all the shops and apparently in fashion again.  The woman in the image above looks good in a bodysuit, but she would also look gorgeous in a hessian sack.  For the general female population bodysuits are wrong in a multitude of ways.  Firstly, they are uncomfortable to wear and look like some sort of weird female mankini.  Secondly, as bodysuits are buttoned up at your crotch, they form an extra layer on top of one’s underwear and consequently create a lot of unnecessary heat around one’s business end.  Even blokes know that their business end is better served by a single layer of underwear that breathes nicely and allows a bit of air circulation.  Finally, as there is actually no need to secure one’s shirt between one’s legs, bodysuits are simply redundant.

 

Strapless Dresses

 

 

I’ve seen so many brides who amazingly voluntarily wear the strapless dress, as well as countless versions of the strapless cocktail dress.  While strapless dresses often do look lovely, they are a pain because they lock women in an ongoing fight with gravity.  In order to counteract the force of gravity that wants to eagerly pull the bodice of the dress down, your breasts have to be bound up like a geisha’s feet and the bodice of the dress has to be that tight that your rib cage is in danger of breaking.  There is no way in hell that you’ll be able to take a deep breath for the duration of the evening.  Alternatively, there are many other occasions on which despite all the binding, your breasts refuse to submit.  As a result you have to spend the entire evening continuously hoisting the dress back up to prevent flashing your tits at the whole party.

 

Severe High Heels

 

 

High heels are worn because everyone loves feeling a little bit taller and more powerful than they usually do.  Some women even feel sexy in them, though personally I can’t see why they need shoes to make themselves feel sexy.  Severe high heels painfully crush your feet both while you are wearing them and give you at least a day or two of aches and pains after wearing them.  The only time I think severe high heels are useful are as a piercing or tearing weapon should you ever need to defend yourself against a physical attack.

 

Bridal Party Up Dos

 

 

For some reason or other the “up do” is often selected as the hair style of choice for weddings.  This involves one’s hair being twisted up and set in the manner of the prim upper class lady.  Unfortunately approximately four million pins have to be inserted into your hair in order to keep the do in place.  This is fine, except for the fact that it will take you at least three hours at the end of the night to get them all out again.  After the pins are inserted you will also nearly pass out when your head is sealed with a whole can of noxious hair spray to prevent the do from moving throughout the night.  Finally, if you don’t have thick voluminous hair like I don’t, the up do will still end up relatively flat.  As a result you will look like a prim librarian scarily attempting to resemble a prostitute.  See below.

 

Bridal Party Make Up

 

Before

After

 

There is something about weddings that cause make-up artists to smother you in that much of the gunk that you end up resembling a prostitute or a drag queen.  This is supposedly because they need to counteract the fact that the make-up will wear off during the day.  Apparently this is a problem on wedding days when it isn’t a problem on any other occasion?  In any case you will end up looking scarily doll-like, and actually not resembling yourself in any way, shape or form.

 

Cocktail Dresses

 

 

As in the image above, cocktail dresses are often designed to show that much off that the woman wearing the dress is left practically naked in front of an assembly of people.  Cocktail dresses often feature extremely low cut bodices, splits in the skirt to ensure one’s white upper legs and cellulite dimples are on show to everyone at awkward moments, or excessively short skirts.  If this wasn’t enough they are also often adorned with fluffy useless bits of fabric at the sleeves or on some other part of the dress that fulfil no purpose and refuse to sit flat, just to top off your awkward night out.  I’m not saying it’s impossible to find a gorgeous cocktail dress that is also comfortable to wear, I’m just saying that it can be hard work finding one.

Seriously, I think women should dress to both look and feel hot, and for comfort at the same time.

I think we should reject painful examples of female fashion that don’t allow us to feel happy and relaxed while we enjoy a special occasion.

 

All of the amazing photos included in this essay are taken from the awesome website pexels.com, except for the last four photos which are taken from the awesome website pixabay.com.

 

© Annemaree Jensen 2018